Thursday, November 21, 2013

On Food And Manliness

Just decided to pull myself away from the TV, watching some ridiculous show on the Travel Channel about the "manliest" restaurants in America. Really? To be totally honest, I could give a flying fuck about how "manly" a restaurant is. I have no problem with hitting a steakhouse - if I'm flush with cash or someone else is buying. But I'd much rather cook it myself. Isn't putting a slab of dead animal on the grill and cooking it yourself by its very nature primordial and therefore manly - not to mention a whole fuck of a lot cheaper?

And of course, different people have their own notions of what a 'manly' restaurant ought to be. Here's Denis Leary's take from No Cure For Cancer (fast forward to about 7:15). I have to admit to having something of a soft spot for Denis Leary's comedy. But why not take it a step further? Why not have every seat in the restaurant be a toilet, with a woman under the table giving the patron a blumpkin as he ate his giant hunk o' meat? If the link I just gave you isn't informative enough, I'm sure there's probably some.... how shall we say it.... adult-oriented website out there that has a video of it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I'm as much of a red-blooded man as anyone else, does anyone else find something like that to be a bit much? I'm not even particularly interested in going to a Hooters. Hot chicks in next to nothing doesn't make up for mediocre food if you ask me. And since there are plenty of strip clubs with full dinner menus out there - my wife and I visited on in Bend, OR once - doesn't that make a place like Hooters irrelevant?

I'm just not impressed with guys who feel they need to establish status and credibility through displays of overt masculinity. I could give a fuck less who the 'alpha dog' is, or who has the 'type A' personality. I don't give a shit if you feel you have to make some display of superiority in front of me. I'm not impressed. You ordered the sixty-ounce steak and you're going to try to eat it all in one sitting? Enjoy the vomiting, asshole. And the cholesterol. I'll be just fine with the twelve-ounce portion, or maybe the sixteen if I'm really hungry. You really should only be eating four-ounce portions of proteins, and leavening that with lots of vegetables and grains. You might feel manly, but I'll live longer and better. You feel the need to drive a lifted truck down the highway at 80mph? Hey, gas is only $3.05 a gallon or so here in Port Angeles, who cares if that monster only gets 10 miles to the gallon? I'll drive my POS at 55 - I won't even take it over 65 unless absolutely necessary - and get where I'm going safely, efficiently, and not pay an arm and a leg for gas then sell a kidney to cover the insurance. I don't feel the need to display my masculinity on a minute to minute basis. My wife loves me just the way I am. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get dinner started. It's time for my awesome meat loaf.

Sorry, just had to rant.

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